Repeating Patterns

Although relationships can be challenging, it’s this very difficulty that offers us an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.

There is no question that our earlier family dynamics set the baseline from which we then formulate our view on ‘what love looks like’.  

It also goes some way to explaining how we repeat patterns over and over in adult life, to address those earlier childhood needs and repair old wounds. 

The way our parents or other influential adults reacted to us, is often the way we react toward ourselves now, both positively and negatively. What and who we attract always mirror our qualities and the beliefs we have about relationships.

We draw into our lives connections that will trigger old emotional replays and essentially, we get what we believe we deserve.

One moment two people may be connecting in divine openness, then the next moment their egos clash, resulting in all-out conflict.

Since it can be devastating and confusing when the person we love suddenly behaves like an enemy, it’s important to have a broader perspective on what’s happening at a deeper level.

The emotional and psychological wounding we carry from the past, causes the ego to act as a protection mechanism against any threat of being hurt. This is normal and understandable.

One of the scariest places we encounter in relationship is a deep inner sense of un-love, where we don’t recognise that we are truly lovable, just for being who we are.

When we are too needy for love we may become involved in relationships that are codependent and ineffectual for both parties.

Placing focus on what’s wrong in a relationship will not create love or heal it. This will only emphasise the negative. Instead we need to transform our thinking from one of dwelling on problems to creating solutions.

The only way to be free of our conditioned patterns is through a full, conscious experience of them. Learning to ride the waves of our feelings rather than becoming submerged in them. Then we can clearly see how they affect us and how to resolve them.

Accepting ourselves helps us to better accept others for who they really are. Loving another requires dropping all the agendas, fears and fantasies we create about them. To enter into authenticity and be willing to face and embrace whatever stands in between.

Working on loving and accepting ourselves will make us happier. A happy person is very attractive to others. Therefore the primary relationship to work on, is the one with ourself. By extension of that, all other relationships will be improved.

Task-IconTake a moment to write in your journal and answer these questions:
1. What beliefs about relationships did you learn growing up?
2. How have those beliefs shown up in your life?

Looking for love is hell. Everyone’s been there.  It’s only when you stop looking for love, and you start being a more loving person, that you find love.

Robert Holden